I'm guessing that most parents fall into the trap of wanting immediate results for the things we do to shape our kids. When traffic stops in front of you, you want your brakes to work quickly and keep you from plowing into the trailer hitch on the Monster truck in front of you- and yes, I speak from experience. When something happens at work that needs to be adjusted, you make the changes with an expectation of fast improvement. But unfortunately, kids don't usually respond that quickly and we get frustrated. Most relationship/behavioral issues don't operate at the speed of your computer; ask anybody who works in HR.
So when we get accustomed to the ability to affect outcomes quickly, we set ourselves up for failure in the parenting arena. We have a choice- 1. force immediate behavioral change by stopping the wrong and forcing the right. This is the scenario where you make your son say he's sorry to his sister for decapitating her doll when in fact he is quite proud of his accomplishment. He reluctantly recites the words you prescribe and you walk away thinking it's fixed. 2. sit down with your son and have a conversation about what motivated him to disrespect his sister's property. This takes some probing questions and much more time but in the end you uncover an opportunity to teach respect and self-control and deal with the issue at the heart level.
The simple truth is that unless we make corrections at the source, the heart, we have only postponed the correction until a more severe catastrophe has happened. This may be a paradigm shift in your parenting thinking because most of us did not have that approach modeled for us when we were growing up, me included. But the sooner we can implement this strategy for change, the less mess we will have to mop up after the fact.
Of course I understand that the age of the child will dictate the precise details of how this is applied. It is the proper transition from cop to coach that should happen during the elementary years as maturity allows. But having this strategy as your ultimate goal will allow you to gauge the development of your child's heart and know when to put it in practice. Just remember that it takes years to see the results, not minutes.
