Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Now's the Time To Fix It


I hear about and see a lot of parents who are frustrated with their teens- kids who pretty much ignore any input the parents may try to have in their lives. There is an obvious disconnect and the parents seem helpless to restore any level of meaningful influence. How does that happen?

There are many possible explanations but one of the most common comes from a relationship that was damaged during the transition years- the years from about 9-12. During that developmental stage, kids are learning to make choices and they are thoughtful enough to want reasons for parental expectations. Their self-image is emerging and peer pressure is playing a big role in decision-making. Mom and Dad are not the only influence in their lives anymore so conflicting values begin to creep in and vie for their allegiance.

As kids begin to explore other options, parents often feel threatened by what appears to be a competing external influence and they tighten their grip to maintain control, fearing that their child is rejecting their standards. Just at a time when the grip should begin to loosen, parents do the opposite and the resulting power struggle gets ugly. Letting a child make a poor choice and feel the consequences is one of the toughest things a parent will ever have to do.

Transitioning from cop to coach is hard. And if you miss that transition, it can be very difficult to recover. Trust me- I know from experience. I didn't do a very good job of that with all of my kids and it cost me. What I missed was shaping my kid's heart more than their actions. Proverbs 4:23 reminds us to "guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life." I was more focused on actions and I was ignoring the heart attitude that drove the actions. I tried to control behavior instead of shaping a heart with godly principles.

So for those of you with young kids, work on their heart now and stay closely connected to them. Understand that your influence will one day be challenged and your kids will need a solid foundation to be able to make wise choices. Helping them learn how to choose what is right will be far more important than whether or not they spill their drink in a restaurant.