I'm on my way home from work, relaxed after a busy day, come around a lazy corner, and my heart skips a beat because of the instantaneous surge of adrenaline. There is a cop car sitting in the grass facing me. I instinctively look at the speedometer and heave a sigh of relief because for some strange reason, I'm actually doing the speed limit!
Then I get to thinking- why have I developed such a visceral relationship with this cop, that a momentary glance can put my body into panic mode? I don't know him personally, probably have never met him, and yet he scares me to death. Why is that? Well, it doesn't take much analysis to figure out that my attitude about him is shaped by my assumption that his sole purpose for sitting there today is to catch me doing something wrong. That instinctively makes us adversaries. Now I know cops have a much bigger role than that and much of what they do is positive and helpful but when he takes that position to trap me, I resist that.
Then is hits me- as a parent, I have many responsibilities in shaping my kids, most of which should be positive and helpful. But when I focus on catching them doing wrong, I set up an adversarial relationship that is counter-productive to my mission. I create an atmosphere of fear, avoidance, and dislike. Nobody likes being corrected and when I see that as your primary role, I'm not focused on changing my behavior; I'm focused on how to do a better job of not getting caught- and continuing my wrong behavior. My heart is not interested in change; it is merely trying to avoid penalties.
Why do we parent like a cop? Several reasons-
1.My guess is that its easier to say "No, don't do that" than it is to demonstrate proper behavior and explain why it is the best way. That takes time and we're usually too busy being focused on something else to be interrupted by a long explanation and modeling session.
2.I haven't thought through the reason for doing something well enough to explain it, so I resort to the "Because I said so" routine.
3.We live in a culture where bad news gets the attention and good stuff goes unnoticed so we transfer that mindset into our parenting style.
So the "cop" model of parenting is not a good one. It weakens the relationship and diminishes your influence. The alternative is far more effective and productive. Rewarding good behavior, positive reinforcement, and encouraging praise are far more likely to produce the behavioral change you want because you will be operating at the heart level and strengthening the relationship influence. When correction and/or discipline are necessary, remind them that this is unfortunate and unnecessary and then show them how it can be avoided by dealing with the motive that produced the wrong action and reviewing the proper response.
Yea, I know, it takes a lot of time to do that and you have to be fully engaged in their lives but its a "Pay me now or pay me later" kind of thing. And the truth is, if we do a good job at being parents, the cop won't have to step in later and fix what got messed up. And the best part is, you will enjoy a lifetime relationship of love and respect with your kids that will carry into adulthood. And that's pretty rewarding!
