So I'm sitting in the Home Depot parking lot, waiting to turn in to a parking space, while this lady in a car is screaming at the top of her lungs at her kids in the back seat. She stops in the middle of the road, blocking traffic, yells again, and as she drives off, reaches into the back seat and gives her kid the middle finger!
There are just so many things wrong with this picture that I could write for weeks on multiple topics but let me stick to the theme we began last week- getting to the heart of the problem. This lady was obviously struggling with her own inability to control her children and given her actions, I think we can safely conclude that the relationship side of this equation is so damaged that this scenario is not going to end well.
I know from personal experience that there comes a time when no amount of control will work. Eventually the only influence you will have will be from the strength of the relationship. So if that is the inevitable endpoint, we have to keep that in mind as the goal as we transition out of control mode. Even as you operate out of control during the toddler years, you have to focus on building a relationship of trust so that you will have a foundation in place as the relationship begins to take over.
Nurturing that relationship means connecting to your kids at the heart level. That begins with unconditional love. Perhaps the most important foundational concept you can teach your kids is that your love for them is not affected by their behavior. Now that may be a disconnect for you if you grew up in a home where love was dispensed or withheld based on your ability to be good. But think about it- God's love for you isn't based on your performance. In fact Romans 5:8 says "But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners."
Since all of us were created with a basic social need for love and acceptance, demonstrating unconditional love meets that need and provides a relational safe place that kids will always run to. I've told my kids, "You can't do anything bad enough to stop me from loving you." In that kind of environment a kid knows he or she is loved and protected and the magnetic force of that relationship will allow you to have influence in ways you never thought possible. And as they get older, that influence will be more effective than any other control mechanism you could ever devise.
So remember, you are never more like God than when you love unconditionally. That's the foundation on which a strong parenting relationship is built.
